-={Come With Me v. 15}=-=[The Dreaming World]>=-

Hehe>> Sunday, November 10, 2002 - 08:36 p.m.

The Entry>> Monday, October 14, 2002 - 01:24 a.m.

Here, Julia, it is my update. However, I don't think that you, Colin, or Todd are going to appreciate what I have to say. At all, if you're pissed at me, talk to me about it, but I'm not sorry for what I'm about to say.

Colin, hon, stay out of Julia and Todd's business. You told me to take care of myself, and you need to do it too ("practice what you preach" comes to mind). This makes you look like a hypocrite. This fight between them has very little to do with you and a great majority to do with other things. This fight does not involve you, stay out of it. Yes, I know you feel you need to help Julia, but believe me, she's a big girl. Let her take care of it herself, just like big girls do. Just be there to talk with her, but if she wants to talk to Todd, let her do it; don't do it for her. Also, don't tell people what they can and can't do. Inevitably and eventually, they will do what they want to do, regardless of what you say or do. So let them be, and don't force them to do what you want them to. Accept and love them for who they are, good and bad, or leave them up to their own devices.

Julia, don't bring Colin into this. That's a sign of immaturity, and I know that you are damn well strong enough to talk to Todd by yourself. Also, why don't you try to talk to him instead of looking for a fight? If you're on edge, Todd will be too. If you go in looking for a fight, you'll find one. Instead, why don't you talk it out in a calm, adult manner WITHOUT Colin. I know you can do it, I have faith in you hon. Also, don't expect Todd to pay for something if he doesn't want to. He's not your boyfriend and he is in no way responsible for your financial situation. Neither is Colin. You are; and you can do it. You've done so much for yourself, you can do this. I'm sad that you have to go through this in your first semester in college; it's not an easy thing; but you can do it.

Todd, tell Julia what you're thinking. She hates it when you have something to say and don't. You'll work through this if you talk. You don't burn bridges, you repair them. I know that yes, she can be stubborn, and yes, it isn't easy for you to talk about what's on your mind; but it's something you need to do. For God's sake man, if you have something to say, spit it out. This is not an "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all" fight. Also, don't be difficult. This is someone you have spent over 2 years of your life devoted to, never forget that. 2 years of good, bad, and everything else. That is something not easily thrown away. Just try to talk to Julia, but don't talk down to her. You're not any better than anyone else; at the same time, she's not any better than you either. You're both people, treat each other with the respect you both deserve.

If you don't like what I had to say, well...I don't know what to tell you. I love you three dearly, but let me say, you make the decisions. These are simply pieces of advice that I'm dishing out with the sass that I have been lacking for a long time. Listen to yourselves and make your own decisions because guess what, it's your life, not mine.

With that said, on to happier subjects. Fe came to visit me this weekend! Finally, someone who says they are going to visit and actually comes. THIS IS SUCH A PLEASANT CHANGE OF PACE (hint hint). We drove around, smoked, talked, and had general fun.

Saturday night, I drank way too much for me though. I had already smoked that day, so the alcohol hit me much harder than expected. It didn't help that I also drank those 9 drinks in one hour. Whoa. Badness but fun-ness at the same time. Sana, Fe, and I drove around for about an hour, and then Fe and I went back to my dorm. Coming in, I saw Phil (heavenly choir from above comes down and sings "AAAaaaaaaaaaaaah"), and that was bad. I go to give him a hug, first thing he says, "Don't puke on me." Thanks Phil, that was nice. >_< Then we went to the roof and smoked 2 cigarettes when I turned into a pile of mush and started crying. Couldn't even get up because of how I was (thank God you weren't there Isaac, I don't think you could have delt w/ me this way). Eventually, Fe and Nicole (my wonderful roomie ^_^) helped me to the room and I proceeded to talk and cry until about 4 in the morning.

So my weekend was rather interesting. It was great, I wouldn't have traded it for ANY weekend. It blew my summer away...in only 2 days. Now Fe's gonna come down all the time and visit me! ^_^ I love having people from home visit me, specially Fefe. Thank you Fe, for caring enough to come down and visit me, and then caring enough to take care of me when I couldn't. I love you soooooooo much sweetie! *hug*

Heatwave>> Wednesday, September 11, 2002 - 01:57 a.m.

Oi......nothing like just sitting in your comp chair, soaking in your own sweat and not being able to sleep. This is the kind of stuff that they don't write about in your college brochure kids. That you're either dying of dehydration or all the fluids in your body are freezing and you're becoming a human popsicle.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I just need some cigarettes so that I can smoke while thinking these wonderous thoughts. I think about a lot of things. Just mostly I think about stuff that I only talk with Sana about. People at home just seem to have drifted away. It makes me wonder if they really don't care. The only two who ever call me are Michelle and Carlos, who are the two that I thought would be too busy to call me. Everyone else seems to think that I have dropped off the face of the earth.

While this makes me not so happy, I figured it was coming. People that said they would be there for me whenever I needed them weren't; but I don't really care. I only really worry about one person from home (besides my family, I know most of them can take care of themselves, and the others I just really don't care. Not to be mean, I'm not angry at them or anything, I'm just to the point where I'm sick of worrying about everyone else and not doing anything for myself. Screw that; if you want to screw yourself over, that's your fault. Go ahead and talk to me about it, I'll listen and try to give you advice, but after that I just don't care anymore.

It's really scary because I'm becoming completely devoid of feelings. I'd rather just go through the motions than really just deal w/ anything. It makes life much more bearable that way. It's sad because before I used to say I didn't care because I saw the outcomes, good and bad, of the choices presented, so it all evened out. Now I just don't care. Whatever, it's all the same anyways, you get screwed this way or that; therefore, the choice becomes unimportant because the outcome is the same. You see? It's the same thing, but just a different way of thinking about it. Whatever, you get it or you don't. You worry about it. I'm done w/ the whole business.

I have two tests tomorrow, so I should sleep, but yet I'm not. Whatever, I'll worry about it later. I'm having too much fun being a bitchy asshole, since you all don't really give a fuck or listen anyways. I'm tired of acting happy when I don't feel like it......too much energy. But it takes even more to talk about what's on my mind, so I'm just going to shut up and sit in the corner where I can live in my own little happy world and paint or write, not that I'm very talented at either one.

I want to go write right now, but it is 2:20 and I have to get up at 7 and prepare for 2 tests tomorrow; so I'm going to bed. Whatever...it's just another boring old day anyways.

It's Been Awhile>> Sunday, September 8, 2002 - 01:59 p.m.

It's been a long time since I've written anything in here...people are probably wondering if I've died. To answer you question, not yet, but probably sometime in the near future (Miami drunk drivers...not pretty...that and cancer sticks are so bad for me, but I still smoke them). Anyways...

It's really odd, but I'm somewhat lonely down here in Oxford. And I'm not even by myself, because I have 2 close friends and a lot of just friends; but there's only 1 person from home here (Isaac). I get homesick, but not really. I miss certain people or certain things, but only a few. I don't miss home cooking (just decent food), I don't really miss my family (cept when I'm sick...mommy, come take care of me), I don't miss my own room, and I don't miss hanging out w/ my friends all the time. I miss the little snippets of things that don't seem big at the time, but you remember them for a long time. I miss lying with Colin in his backyard late at night and smoking, I miss standing at my register and seeing Carlos smiling at me from his register, I miss driving with Michelle when we look at each other and laugh for no reason. I miss Fe ashing her cigarette and the way she puts out her cigarette after she's smoked half, I miss Brian pulling on his eyebrow ring, I miss Ben Ben and that look he gives (the "what the hell? that makes no sense" look), I miss watching Julia put on her blood-red lipstick, my brother knocking on my door, and the smell of my mom's cooking. Just little things that make up everyday life.

Now it's time to re-arrange my room so I can get a better view of the TV. Hurah!

Oi>> Thursday, August 22, 2002 - 08:10 a.m.

I really must learn to get up when my alarm wakes me up. Unfortunately, I didn't today. Oh well. It's only one class. Unfortunately, it's w/ one of the strictest teachers. I'm so mad at myself right now that I let myself do this. I'm mad I couldn't fall asleep until 5 because it was so hot, but that's not an excuse. My stupid body needed to fall asleep at 12 when I went and laid in my bed. And then I needed to get up w/ my alarm, my lazy ass turned it off and then fell back asleep. What the hell?

I am angry at myself, and I refuse to do this again. Otherwise, I might get in the habit again. That would not be a good thing. Oi, going back to bed cause I'm still tired.

College>> Sunday, August 18, 2002 - 02:41 a.m.

Dear God, it's my last entry at home, and I can't lie when I say I'm scared to go back. I'll have to get used to not having 20 different people to call and ask to do stuff w/ me. There's a lot of tension in the family, because of me leaving when so much shit has gone down w/ us this summer. Maybe I really will end up transferring, I don't know. We'll wait to see what the future holds.

Damn, this day has sucked. I was supposed to see Colin, Julia, and Ben at the Little Italy festival, and I paged Colin (just in case he replaced his beeper battery) and called Julia's cell a bunch of times. Oh well. I give up on people anymore. If they wanna see me, they can call me; I get tired of always having to be the one who calls. Fuck that shit. So anyways, see you guys later. Ben, just give Brad my RK DVDs when you see him, so I have them when I come home for Labor Day; Colin, same thing w/ my two silver braclets I left over your house. I want those back! My wrists and PS2 feel loney, they need the DVDs and braclets.

Time to completely finish packing and take the comp apart. Call me or come visit me at school!

Norah Jones "Don't Know Why">> Thursday, August 8, 2002 - 01:17 a.m.

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstacy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love that song...it's so calm and peaceful. Go download it.

I semi-argued w/ someone (whome we shall call M) today. I asked if I could finally borrow a CD M said she'd loan to me since the begining of the year, and I said I could give it back tomorrow, since I see M every day. M proceeded to argue w/ me that she doesn't see me every day, but once a week, and that I spent more time w/ another person (whom we will call C) instead of her. This is not true at all. *sighs* I only see C maybe once a week, and that's when the circumstances are good. I've seen M almost every day since summer began. *sighs* Then M seemingly ignored me for the rest of the time I was over there.

I am really getting sick of being yelled at (usually rare, but seems to be happening a lot lately) or ignored for other people. At the same time, it's strangely nice, because no one really expects anything of you. It's somewhat disappointing when you hang out with other people, because I know I would like to spend time with them.....but I've somewhat settled for it right now. I wonder what will happen when I leave for college...if anyone will miss me?

Mmmm>> Tuesday, July 30, 2002 - 02:19 a.m.

I love late night. Just laying in my bed with the windows open, wind and music. The smell of the suburbs and my candles. It's so quiet and peaceful. It's really nice. Just time for me to think and sometimes draw if I want to. I wonder if I'll be able to do this at college next year? At least we won't have 20 people walking in our dorm room, Nicole and I.

Almost everyone I know is busy tomorrow night. I wonder if Colin, Ben, Brad and Carlos will chill with me when I get off of work? I don't even know what we'd do, but just chilling with them would be cool. I hope my mom and I can go see "Signs" on Wednesday. I really haven't spent any time with my family. I feel somewhat bad, but we're all busy leading our own lives these days.

Anyways, I'm sleepy. Gonna go listen to my music and think before sleeping. Maybe I'll watch "Perfect Blue." I haven't seen it for awhile. Wanton violence and anime with catchy music. Horah.

Thinking>> Friday, July 26, 2002 - 04:50 a.m.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't need people to make me happy. I need myself to make me happy. That's why I am so depressed lately; I have been looking to people to make me happy and thus denying my nature. Their voices all meld together in my head, a colorful array of various squaking noises. One wants this, the other needs this, the other loves this. Their different desires fill my head, and I swirl around in blackness listening to the noise, trying to make sense of where I should go. Instead of looking to others to fulfill my needs, I should look to myself. Strange that I came to this conclusion at 4:50 in the morning, but I have come to it nonetheless. Instead of using other people to fill my needs, I need to do it myself.

I have always done that, if someone I know is unhappy, I tend to be. I feed of the energies of those who surround me, depending on it to shape the person I am; to make me the way people want me to be. How strange that the time of day I feel most complete is the hours between night and day. Just opening the windows of my room and lighting my candles, my music wafting through the air like a scent of the shore, the sound present, but not overwhelming. I sit at my bed, and watch the cars go by, nothing but light on the road; a peaceful calm filling me. I am not hyper, but not depressed; just happy to be breathing and feeling the air with my music and candles to keep me company. I don't want anything more. I don't need another soul to put me at ease. Not that I'm saying someone with me wouldn't be nice, as it always nice to share these moments with others, but it's a rarity, and not one that I've come to depend on.

The realization has finally arrived after so many years of searching for it. I wish it had come sooner, but I'm glad I found it sooner than later.

Yet, at the same time, I cannot deny that I need others. I wish I could say that I knew others needed me, but I am still unsure of that. It doesn't bother me anymore. If someone needs me, all they have to do is pick up a phone, and I will be there. As always, I stand vigil for anyone who needs me. But no longer shall I try to watch everyone, take care of everyone. That is not my business, but theirs. I grow weary of trying to take care of everyone, especially when someone wishes me not to. Therefore, I stand in the shadows, waiting to be summoned by one in need.

It still hurts to watch people tear others apart. I refuse to take part in it anymore. I wish people would realise that they are not the perfect person he or she thinks they are, for no one is perfect. If you wish to tear someone down, without realizing you too have faults, I have no desire to join you and your friend Mockery. Tearing someone down does not help anyone. Instead, I shall just accept people for who they are, faults and all. Not that it is the easiest thing to do, but better in the long run, for both parties. *sighs* The world weighs on me. I feel my sins, knowing I have made them and that I am the one responsible for them. I only wish I could go back and make them right. Not being able to though, I try to attone in the present.

I wonder if people will try to bring me down for feeling this way and writing this? Whatever, to each his own. All I know is that I am happy being who I am. I don't feel confined in my own skin at the moment, and I am happy. I feel free...

Looking>> Monday, July 22, 2002 - 01:49 a.m.

I was just looking at my new layout, and it looks a lot like Julia's. Oi....must redo. I don't want to be accused of copying. That's what I get for doing a new layout at 4 in the morning....*snores* I don't know, what do you think, Hulia? *waits for answer*

Layout>> Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 04:03 a.m.

New, simple layout. It's okay. Gotta work on those HTML skills. Still trying to upload the banner.......damn brinkster.

Massages>> Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 02:28 a.m.

Okay, it's not a hidden fact that I couldn't give a good massage if my life depended on it. But I do want to get better. So Colin let me practice on him a little bit (thankies Colin! ^_^) and I was trying to give Michelle one later when she goes, "Man, you really suck at this." Thank you Michelle for kicking my confidence down a notch. I know I stink at giving a good massage, but I'm trying to get better, and now I don't even really want to try anymore. I'm sorry my fingers don't feel like cooperating w/ me at all. But then she's like, "I can't teach you how to, I just do it." Alrighty then. Make me feel like I'm steppin on the gas and I'm not going anywhere. I really was trying. ;_; So I finally just made Carlos get up and give her one and I played X-Box for a while until I left. Maybe it's because I feel like I never fit in, no matter who I'm with. I always feel like discord (is that the right word?) follows me wherever I go. Like when I hang out, I'm not supposed to be with _______, I'm supposed to be at home by myself. I can't help it, this is how I've always felt. That I've never fit in no matter where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm usually able to shove this feeling down, but lately it's fighting back w/ a vengence. I really wish lately that everyone would forget about me, and then I wouldn't have to deal w/ this. I think I'm just a lone wolf by nature. Right now, I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing trying to get along w/ the flock (bad terrible metaphor, but I really was never very good at very many things) and trying to fit in, but I just don't. Will I feel like this all my life? I really want to just belong, or at least feel I do sometimes, but I never do. Not really. It's always a thought, even if it's just at the back of my mind. *sighs* So how the hell was I dubbed "Mother Heather" again? I don't know......but these people must be on drugs.

I really am getting sick of feeling this way. God, I've lived almost 2 decades now, you think I'd have this kind of crap straightened out. Rggg. I want to be Vash the Stampede from Trigun. That's my favorite anime series anymore. I really relate to Vash very well, which is kinda scary because I shouldn't relate to anything animated that well. *sighs* My life.....

Maybe one day, I will be good at something, and then instead of making fun of me, people will actually say nice things about me. But it's only wishful thinking I guess.

I let things get to me too much sometimes. I gotta learn to stop doing that. But I'm not as bad as I used to be, I'm getting better at that.

I hope Colin will do something with me tomorrow, I need to have a positive night instead of a negative one soon, or I may just bitch someone out soon.

Julia, I'm sorry about Granma, just don't let your family drag you down. When you're ungrounded I'll come over and make you dinner, so you can actually eat something other than resturant food and crap. *hug* Call me anytime you need to talk sweetie.

Sigh>> Saturday, July 6, 2002 - 12:49 a.m.

I am so fucking pissed off these days. No matter what, I'm either depressed or angry. There's really no in between. And I get mad at myself because I can't really control what I'm feeling. I just have so many memories and situations that have/are making me mad. So basically, I have my anger about shit now and residual anger. Super. And I don't really want to see anybody. I feel ignored and at the very least, unappreciated. But I don't think I should, but I don't know. What the hell do I know anyways. I'm just a dumbass who forgot to turn on the light switch of life and so my dumb ass can wander around stumbling in the dark. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to be around people period. I want to be left alone. I want to draw...but I guess I don't do that well either. I don't do anything really well. How the fuck did I end up being the mother of a group of people? I feel like I'm a puppet. I'm tired of feeling manipulated and taken advantage of. I don't even know why I feel this way, I just do. Hell, my friends like each other better than they seem to like me anyways. I might as well stay at home by myself. At least I don't ignore me.

But what sucks ass is that while I don't want to be ignored, I do. I want to sink into the background and be forgotten. Nothing more than a mere memory. At least I won't have to act like I'm happy and outgoing anymore when I'm not. I won't have to put up a facade and act like I feel better when I feel worse. It would just be easier for all of us.

My friends say they'll miss me when I go to college. I doubt that so much these days. These are the people that I have been so loyal and caring towards, and who have acted the same way back. Yet, I don't think they will care very much when I'm gone...that's a thought buried deep in the back of my mind.

Right now, I really hate people. What I hate the most is opening up to people. I abhor it. It leaves me vulnerable; and then because I'm vulnerable, I feel weak. I hate weakness in myself. I'm open to attack and easily knocked off by someone stronger and more capable than myself. Opening up to also people makes me somewhat dependent on them. I only want to depend on me because.....well, I can't hurt myself as easily as others can hurt me. I refuse to be an easy target. I take shit because in the end, it makes me stronger.

I can see that I've always depended on food to make me feel better. Feel bad? Eat some ice cream. Depressed? Break out the spaghetti. Screw that shit. That's only gotten me deeper in the hole. Now I'm only going to eat when it's absolutely necessary. Also, I'm going to start working out again. Helps me to manage my anger much better than I can without it. I'm not the easiest person to be around when I'm angry. Pretty much, everyone just steers clear of me.

God, this entry has been a huge fucking pity trip. I've let myself feel bad for myself. Damn weakness. I feel so weak now. Rrrrrrrrrrgggggg. I really hate myself right now. I need to get out of my damn funk. Get off this damn pity coaster and feel better about myself.

I guess I'll go talk to Jessie and go to bed.

Maybe>> Friday, June 28, 2002 - 04:02 a.m.

God, has it been an extrodinarily long time since I last wrote. Well, my job, going outings, and doing errands has kept me busy for about the last 2 months. *sighs* And between all that, longing for a significant other has been on my mind most of the time.

I feel like one of those whiney assholes who bitch about needing a man to be themselves. *sighs* Honestly though, I would like someone who loves me for me and wants to be with me. Not the dumb ass w/ blond hair, perky tits, and a body. Someone who wants a person with a brain. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeerg, it makes me mad. But, this state of longing has been around a long time, and thus I have become accustomed to it. One day, I'll find someone. Until then, I guess I'll be a whiney little bitch.

Sometimes I get so sick of helping everyone with their problems. These ones want men, this one's a nice girl turned bitch, this one misses her boyfriend, this one needs someone to talk to about their problems...blah blah blah. I love helping everyone, and I want to help. But sometimes I want air. I feel like it's all closing in on me. I want to take my arms and push everyone back. I get tired of being "the helpful mother" and never really talking about my problems. Somehow, I became the kind of person my mother always wanted me to be (minus the body, but that's an issue for another day), the kind of person she always wanted to be. It's not all it's cracked up to be though.

Sometimes, I think I should worry about myself more, but then I shove this thought aside. "Oh, I'm being silly." I tell myself, but sometimes I wonder, "am I?" Is it so bad to want some room for myself sometimes? I really get frustrated with myself. I have two people living in one body, I swear, that's the only way to explain it. Part of me wants to help my friends so bad, and the other part gets disgusted with myself sometimes for not caring more about myself and letting other people rule my life (not that anyone does it, my mind just kinda gets carried away with everyone; it's the way I've always been). AAAAAAAAAARG! How frustrating. To be two minds in one body.

I think, at heart, I'm not a very social person. I like being social, but it's more acting than anything. I'm pretty much ill at ease with anyone other than myself. And that's not anyone's fault, that's just the way I've always been. I guess that makes me a self centered person? ^^??? I don't really know. I confuse myself. At heart, I truely am a lone wolf. Even at college, I would rather have been by myself half the time rather than with Sana or Nicole. It's really sad, because I really do like my own company. How pathetic it must look to other people. How.........sad. I want to be with someone, yet I prefer my own company. *sighs* I am difficult, no?

It doesn't help that I've been dealing with a family issue since my grandfather's death. It's basically fucked up our whole family (which, believe me, didn't need to be messed with anymore than it already has been). I wish I had never gone away, that my grandfather had never died, that my grandma wasn't slowly going insane, and that this year had never happened. I want to be little again, and not have to worry about any problems other than blowing bubbles and catching fireflies. I don't want to have to worry about suicides, death, diseases, and depression. I don't want to do anything anymore. I almost just want to say "fuck it" and lock myself in my room until I die. But something keeps telling me to stick it out, there's something better out there. Better damn not well be my inner practical joker. I'll be screwed royal. I just want to be 4 years old again...

Feel

Contact Me
>>Email 1
>>AIM

Links
>>12% Beer
>>Bad Kittie
>>Bara-chan
>>Beyond Her Heart
>>Emeralds
>>Fresh Boy, Wide World
>>Further the Nearer
>>Stray Dog Strut
>>Small Spiral Notebook
>>Superdork
>>The Dreaming
>>Through The Night

~~~ >>The Vault
>>Pitas